I’m going to start off by saying I really went back and forth about blogging about this. When it comes to extremely personal issues, I tend to keep them either to myself or only tell people very close to me. And this is something that is very personal.
I do want you to know that this post is really not about fitness or nutrition or helping you with any tips. The blog is called “Train Like A Girl” but this blog is also about what I go through in my life with and without training.
This post is about my ups and downs I have had over the past 6 months and how they have affected me and my training.
On April 13th I wrote about what can happen to your body in just 5 months.
The ups and the downs that can make your gain, lose and probably gain even more back.
The emotional stress that can be put on the body and do crazy things to it.
I shared a little about what those ups and downs were, but today I am going to share what the biggest up and the biggest down was for me during that time.
At the end of January I was given the green light, after having my surgery, to start lifting again. I was SOOOOOO happy! Training and exercising is MY time.
Moms you know what I am talking about right? That time where you can just be you and savor get a great sweat on, lift heavy weights and feel the stress fly away.
Well that happy “ME” lifting/exercising time came to an abrupt halt when on February 27th I found out I was pregnant.
Yeah….not planned, but of course my husband and I were both very happy and excited.
Now let me say that I know I could have still trained while pregnant, I did with Parker. But I had certain goals of training with very heavy weights that would need to be put aside for that moment and that was OK.
This was my “Up” and it was a great one.
Fast forward 4 weeks.
On March 31st, sadly, I lost the baby. I was 10 weeks along. The day before we had found out there was no heartbeat.
Here was my huge “down”.
No one can prepare a woman for something like this, even if you do know it was going to happen like we did.
So many things were running through my head during that week it happened. So many emotions brought on from not only having a lot of hormones surging through my body, but also from the blow I felt of “What did I do wrong???”
As much as I do wear my emotions on my face (not always a good thing), I am also very good at hiding them. Case in point, the day that I had the miscarriage. It happened very early in the morning and that night I was at our gym coaching sessions and acting like my usual self. Doing my job. No one would have known. And really no one did, just a couple close friends and family. Even though I knew doing this was not healthy, I just didn’t know what else to do or how to deal with this. And I did this for about a week.
Then one day, after talking to my husband about how I was still feeling, I knew what I had to do to help myself get past this.
I had to throw myself into training.
For some, talking about stuff like this helps them but for me, I need to throw myself into something to workout (no pun intended) my thoughts and feelings.
So I set my goals (yes, even here I needed goals) and trained for 2 months for the Kettlebell competition I competed in last weekend.
During these past 2 months I worked through the issues of…
“What did I do to cause this?”
“My only job was to protect this child. Why couldn’t I do it?”
And just the hurt I was feeling.
I have finally come to terms with the fact that I did not do anything. It took a while, but I did finally see that things happen for a reason, even if we don’t understand them. For me training is what brought me to this place of peace. It was EXACTLY what I needed to do and had the help of my wonderful husband. He pushed me and kept me going when I didn’t want to. He truly was my rock.
This post has not been an easy one to write. It has actually taken me 6 weeks to get it all out. But I did it for two reasons.
One. After having the miscarriage I couldn’t find anything online or in articles that helped me. Meaning, nothing I read spoke to me and I was able to say “YES!!! THIS IS HOW I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW!!!” Sure, there are tons of websites and articles, but nothing spoke to me at that moment. So I’m hoping that this might help another woman if she reads it.
Two. This was very therapeutic for me. Getting it all out and telling my feelings. Even if no one reads this, I was still able to get it all out.
I have been asked if we are going to try for another baby and right now there is no definite “yes” or “no”. We have a beautiful, intelligent, fun and perfect little daughter that brings us joy every single day. So if we don’t, I’m OK with that.